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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533873">fly amongst the clouds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bydbff/pseuds/bydbff'>bydbff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TREASURE (Korea Band), YG Treasure Box (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Body Image, Insecurity, and some fluff?, im sorry i swear i love him, they are all sad and scared, yedam has an inability to talk to anyone, yedam is sad and insecure, yedam-centric, yoonbin is here too because it starts in 2019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:55:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,642</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533873</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bydbff/pseuds/bydbff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yedam was just a boy who was like the clouds. The white, soft and pure look was what people desired...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>but nobody appreciated the clouds when they were anything but perfect.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Yedam &amp; Kim Doyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>fly amongst the clouds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>THIS STORY STARTS SOMETIME IN 2019, AFTER YGTB BUT BEFORE DECEMBER !! ALSO TW // DISORDERED EATING AND PANIC ATTACKS </p>
<p>aaaahhhhh ive finally finished this fic... i started writing in october of 2019 so it’s been so long (granted i kind of stopped working on it for a while) this fic was started just because i was bored and scared because at the time we had no idea what was going on with treasure (or should i say treasure 13)... there was just complete radio silence from them. so if you can’t tell this story is just me projecting, and i never planned out anything for this i just wrote whatever i felt like so sorry if it sucks lmao. i channeled my anger of seeing people hate on yedam for no good reason... i hope they realize the way their words can effect people :/ (just wanted to add that i love yedam and i do not agree with any of the hateful stuff in this fic, and i hope he never goes through something like this)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The most beautiful days are when the sun’s rays are covered by thick grey clouds. They protect humans from the blinding light that shines ever so brightly, thus creating burns on the skin and intensifying the humidity that eats away at one's limited energy.</p>
<p>As the rain fell from the sky with no remorse to those without protection, Yedam was sure this was when the world was at its finest. No one enjoyed the gloomy atmosphere that the clouds omitted, but for Yedam, there was almost a sense of belonging.</p>
<p>He felt almost identical to these clouds. The white, soft and pure look was what people desired, but nobody appreciated the clouds when they were anything but perfect.</p>
<p>A loud bang sounded from somewhere behind him, with the shouts of his members following soon after. Despite the rain, Yedam’s members were still up to their usual antics. As he leisurely turned to face the noise, he saw what he had expected to see.</p>
<p>The younger members were running into the large dance studio with unbreakable speed, chasing after each other for a reason that would become irrelevant after the day had passed. With the exception of Jaehyuk, who chased after Haruto with his charming childlike glee, the older members slowly gathered one by one, all smiling at the endearing natures of their maknaes.</p>
<p>This was all interrupted by the dance teacher strolling into the room and calling for everyone’s attention. “Guys! Stop squabbling and get into your places!” </p>
<p>The boys all rushed to their spots immediately, because no one wanted to anger the teacher who’s notoriously quick-tempered. As the music started to play, the teenage boys then altered, if only for three minutes, into men. </p>
<p>Yedam knew everyone’s resolve was falling. Debuting felt like a step they’d never reach; a thought too unimaginable to entertain. Something like a risky dream, or a hopeless path. They all were becoming restless, wondering why they were practicing so hard for something that hadn’t been guaranteed.</p>
<p><em>But it had. </em>Debut was guaranteed, with the winning of a brutal survival show and the contract signed soon after. It seemed like an impossibility with the position their company was in, making the rest of their trainee friends find companies they could have a foreseeable future with. </p>
<p>Nevertheless, they practiced with the same amount of passion, eagerness and intensity as if they were going to see the light on stage the next day.</p>
<p>Yedam made sure there was no room for corrections, so the only thing he would hear was a shower of praise. It was expected of him by now with the shows that he had been on; only portraying an image of a perfect boy who would dominate the music industry.</p>
<p>He had amazing talent and skill, but often felt burdened with the image he was left to uphold. No mistakes should be made, no small accidents. He spent years training compared to others and was always expected to be perfect, but being viewed as superior left too much pressure when he was nothing but human.</p>
<p>Getting lost in thought, Yedam realized a beat too late he had messed up. He tripped over Junkyu’s shoe and fell fast, using his arms to aid his landing. The movements in the room silenced, though the upbeat song kept going. Everyone regarded him worriedly, besides the dance teacher who looked more annoyed than anything.</p>
<p>“Yedam please focus throughout the entirety of our practice.” The teacher grumbled, massaging his temples as if he was the one who’s life and future were dimming with every passing second.</p>
<p>Yedam’s response was so short and automatic that he barely even realized he spoke. The words ‘I’m sorry’ were always on the tip of his tongue, in case he would face the criticism he had always feared. </p>
<p>His words seemed to do anything but appease his teammates. The dance teacher must have held some sort of compassion for the kid he had been teaching since the sixth grade, as he called off practice early. </p>
<p>As soon as the teacher left the studio, everyone rushed over to Yedam. It was unusual for him to make a mistake, but even more unusual for him to mess up because he wasn’t paying attention.</p>
<p>“Yedam! Are you okay? I told you that you shouldn’t stay up too late to study!” Hyunsuk fretted, checking all over his body for injuries.</p>
<p>Yedam chuckled. “Don’t worry hyung, I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“You’re clearly not.” Doyoung chastised “what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>Everyone waited with baited breath for his answer. Yedam was known for his inability to confess his struggles to others, striving to be someone people could lean on instead of the opposite.</p>
<p>“Nothing. Actually, I think Hyunsuk hyung is right. I’ll make sure to get more than four hours of sleep today.”</p>
<p>“I’m holding you to that.” Yoonbin said with narrowed eyes, not fully believing that was the reason for his lack of focus, nor his statement.</p>
<p>Asahi reached out his hand and helped Yedam up, patting off the dirt that had collected. “You know this means no composing today too, right?”</p>
<p>“Hyung!” Yedam yelled, betrayed.</p>
<p>Everyone laughed at his outburst. They all gathered up their things and started heading out. Though Treasure and Magnum dorms were separate, it wasn’t uncommon to see someone sleeping in the wrong dorm. Today Mashiho, Doyoung, and Yoshinori seemed to want to reside within the Treasure dorms, as they played around with Haruto, Jeongwoo and Junghwan. </p>
<p>Yedam started pulling out his books as soon as he stepped foot into the dorm. It was especially hard for him to aim for number one in school, on top of being a trainee. It was something he wanted, but it also added to the list of expectations he had to fulfill.</p>
<p>“You sure you don’t just want to relax today?” Mashiho questioned, “You could come and play with us instead.”</p>
<p>Yedam’s lips quirked, hinting at a smile. “I feel like I’m kind of falling behind. I’ll make sure to play with you on the weekend though.”</p>
<p>“Hyung you’re no fun!” Junghwan complained, distracting himself enough for Jeongwoo to tackle him.</p>
<p>Yedam laughed at the sight, then turned to head into his room. The dorms were always so bright and cheerful, despite the doubt and despair each member hid within themselves. </p>
<p>Junkyu was laying on his bed as Yedam entered. He was staring at Yedam knowingly, making him feel slightly self conscious. Yedam walked over to their shared desk, and started working. Not even a minute after, he felt a strong hand poke his side, causing him to yelp and jump sharply.</p>
<p>Junkyu was towering over him, with a devious glint to his eyes. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Yedam rolled his eyes. Junkyu was like his anchor, someone he would often talk to when he was struggling. Recently Yedam wouldn’t even confess to Junkyu when something was bothering him, making Junkyu resort to his childish tactics.</p>
<p>“I’m trying to work,” Yedam replied slowly, ignoring his presence.</p>
<p>“Yedam,” Junkyu warned, impatience edging into his voice.</p>
<p>Yedam stared at Junkyu, contemplating whether he should speak.</p>
<p>“Just... in a bad mood.”</p>
<p>“And is there a reason for that?” Junkyu said, spacing out each word carefully.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Everyone was suffering; questioning their lifelong passions. Complaining about his thoughts seemed selfish and immature, so Yedam kept his mouth firmly shut.</p>
<p>Junkyu sighed. “Please talk to me.”</p>
<p>Yedam smiled, hoping to cover up the grimace that was fighting to overtake his features, “Seriously hyung. I’m okay.”</p>
<p>Junkyu didn’t seem convinced, but nonetheless retreated back to his bed in defeat. Yedam continued working diligently, not paying attention to the time passing by. It wasn’t until someone poked his sides again that he snapped out of it.</p>
<p>Yedam hissed, and turned swiftly to stare up at Doyoung.</p>
<p>“It’s been two hours,” was his only excuse.</p>
<p>“I haven’t finished yet.”</p>
<p>Doyoung let out a frustrated groan. “Hyung please. At least come eat dinner with us. We’re planning on going out.”</p>
<p>Yedam felt his response almost leave the tip of his tongue, but held back when he saw the raw displeasure on Doyoung’s face.</p>
<p>“...fine.”</p>
<p>Doyoung smiled genuinely, walking out of the room with a slight bounce to his step.</p>
<p>Yedam prided himself in knowing his members inside and out, but there were always some things he couldn’t understand. As he walked into the living rooms, he noted that all the members had come to the treasure dorm. The entirety of them had similar reactions to Doyoung when they saw him, and this was something Yedam just couldn’t quite grasp. Why were they so happy to see him simply come eat? It wasn’t like he skipped dinner everyday, though it had become more of a regular occurrence.</p>
<p>“Okay now that we have everyone, let’s go!” Hyunsuk called, being the first one out the door.</p>
<p>They all walked around in Hongdae, browsing the stores before entering their favourite restaurant. The owner, a nice old lady that always gave them free food, greeted them with a warm smile while gesturing to their favourite table near the window.</p>
<p>“I’ll have that cleaned up for you in a minute.” After she cleaned up and brought two more tables over so all the boys could sit together, the restaurant began to be filled with more chatter and gossip with fans noticing them and aunties staring at them.</p>
<p>They paid no mind to it, and instead indulged in the delicious food prepared for them, taking pictures with some fans if they asked. Yedam knew fans would be ecstatic seeing the thirteen boys gathered together eating, and there would surely be pictures circling around social media about it. He was thankful fans still waited and had hope, contrary to Yedam, who felt his own faith slipping little by little as the days went on.</p>
<p>“Hey! Yedam stop looking so depressed!” Yedam looked up at Hyunsuk, who’s eyes had narrowed in a playfully accusing manner.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I’m just thinking.” </p>
<p>Everyone regarded him worriedly. “Hyung, are you sure you’re ok?” Jeongwoo whispered, speaking up for the rest of them.</p>
<p>“I promise that I’m fine. Am I not allowed to think?” Yedam said jokingly, trying to lift the progressively depressing mood.</p>
<p>“Maybe Jeongwoo should try to do that sometime too,” Haruto commented slyly.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>And just like that, everyone dissolved in laughter, paying no mind to Yedam’s quietness for the rest of the night. No one noticed how he poked at his food, never actually eating it and never really smiling.</p>
<p>Once they got home and retired to their respective dorms, it was finally quiet.<em><br/>
</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I should get some composing done, I didn’t have time to do it at all today.</em>
</p>
<p>Yedam waited in silence until he was sure everyone— especially Junkyu— was asleep. It was 2:00 am when Yedam finally snuck out, making his way towards the YG building, as it was very close to their dorms. Sneaking out became more of a frequent occurrence, as Yedam was never satisfied with how much work he put in.</p>
<p>There was a place on the 4th floor of the YG building that had a hallway of studios, used by both producers and artists, and had five studios on each side of the hallway.</p>
<p>Walking down the hall he realized one room was already in use. He guessed it was probably Hanbin, as he was usually there whenever Yedam decided to sneak out. Yedam quietly tip-toed past the room. The younger was sure if Hanbin knew he was here the older would force him to leave, despite the fact Hanbin would likely stay there for the rest of the morning.</p>
<p>Walking into the studio felt like a breath of fresh air, a feeling so immense that it was impossible to describe. The studio held mixed memories, as it was a place to explore the creative mind, but also often a place where Yedam would spend hours on end, frustrated.</p>
<p>He clicked on his last saved file, sat back in the chair, and began to work. Though it was stressful at times, producing was satisfying in a way that allowed Yedam to express himself. </p>
<p>It wasn’t until his phone started having a seizure that he stopped working. He thought it would just be notifications from YouTube, but was shocked to see he had three notifications from Junkyu. He checked the time: 4:00 am.</p>
<p>
  <em> Fuck.</em>
</p>
<p>Yedam had never been caught before, and he knew he would get into massive trouble if he was. Not only his members, but their manager and boss would no doubt scold him.</p>
<p><strong> Koala:</strong> where. are. you.</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> i swear to god yedam you better be in the bathroom or kitchen or something</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> answer me!!!</p>
<p>Yedam felt his heartbeat accelerating as he read through Junkyu’s texts over and over, not wanting to comprehend the situation. <em>No no no no. This cannot be happening. </em></p>
<p><strong>Damie:</strong> yeah im in the bathroom.</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> liar you never take ur phone to the bathroom.</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> tell me where you actually are!</p>
<p><strong>Damie:</strong> im not lying hyung im in the bathroom</p>
<p><strong> Koala:</strong> oh yeah? well so am I right now. are you wearing an invisible cloak or something?</p>
<p><strong>Damie:</strong> ...</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> my patience has run out. tell me where you are right now.</p>
<p><strong> Damie:</strong> the studio</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> come home. right now.</p>
<p><strong>Damie: </strong>im almost done just give me like 30mins</p>
<p><strong>Koala:</strong> no I swear to god Yedam</p>
<p><strong>Damie:</strong> ok ok ill come</p>
<p>Though Yedam relented and said he would come, he intended on staying just a bit longer to finish up what he was doing. It wouldn’t take that long he just needed to fini—</p>
<p>“Kid?”</p>
<p>Yedam spun around with a look akin to shock and disbelief. The voice, that happened to be Kim Hanbin, laughed at his expression and leisurely walked up to him.</p>
<p>Yedam could feel warmth seep into his cheeks. He rarely conversed with Hanbin, and when he did it always happened to be in the most unconventional situations. They had been trainees together before he debuted with IKON, but Hanbin seemed to regard Yedam more as a child than a friend.</p>
<p>“Oh hyung, why are you here?” Yedam said, scratching the back of his nape.</p>
<p>Hanbin playfully rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to pretend that you didn’t see me when you were coming in. I saw you sneakily trying to get past my studio.”</p>
<p>Yedam felt his blush deepen, and he hoped Hanbin didn’t notice. “Junkyu texted me and told me to make sure you went home right away.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry, I’m heading home right now,” Yedam lied, internally praying to all the gods, hoping that Hanbin would leave.</p>
<p>Hanbin raised his eyebrow. “Really? It doesn’t look like that.”</p>
<p>Yedam nervously chuckled, making Hanbin burst out laughing. His laughter was so bright and infectious. It reminded Yedam of back when they were both trainees; Yedam was just barely five feet tall and would stare at Hanbin and the rest of IKON from the sidelines, listening to their boss finalize their debut date. IKON cheered and laughed, making all the trainees watching from the sides laugh along, despite feeling a twinge of sadness at the prospect of not debuting yet.</p>
<p>“Ok kid, let’s get you back home.” </p>
<p>Because of the proximity of their dorms, Hanbin dropped Yedam off at his dorm before he left. Yedam genuinely feared for his life and stood shivering at the front steps, contemplating over what to say. Before he could think any longer, the front door swung open, revealing a disheveled and fuming Junkyu.</p>
<p>“Ok wait before you say anything I know I fucked up please ju—”</p>
<p>Yedam was suddenly engulfed in a hug, feeling Junkyu’s warmth radiate off of him while his fingers played with Yedam’s hair.</p>
<p>“Idiot. You gave me a fucking heart attack.”</p>
<p>The younger was surprised, to say the least. Out of all the scenarios he was bracing himself for, this was not one of them. He found himself melting into Junkyu’s touch, needing the comfort and support.</p>
<p>“Why did you sneak out?” Junkyu asked with a hint of madness when they separated.</p>
<p>“I wanted to work.” Junkyu sighed. Yedam felt he saw Junkyu sigh more times than he’d seen him smile these past weeks. </p>
<p>“Yedamie, please talk to me. I know something is wrong.”</p>
<p>Yedam smiled slightly, the edges of his mouth turning in a way that looked like it took all of his strength. “Hyung, I promise I’m fine. I’m just tired.”</p>
<p>His smile faltered, as he thought back to the way Junkyu was hugging him, the way the older’s arms had felt so small against his torso despite being relatively buff. <em>Am I not trying hard enough?</em> </p>
<p>He didn’t give Junkyu time to reply, taking long strides towards the bathroom, locking the door and collapsing onto the floor. </p>
<p>He pulled out the scale from its familiar place in the cabinet. Stepping on it and waiting for the big angry numbers to stop changing could either lead to relief or dread, a gamble he needed to play in order to obtain beauty and acceptance in a world that did its best to belittle him.</p>
<p>
  <em>54kg </em>
</p>
<p><em>Fuck. Not good enough.</em> Yedam knew, he saw the comments that ‘fans’ would leave. No matter how talented he got, how perfect he made himself seem with his nice personality, good grades, and athletic abilities, people would always find something to criticize. The comments that popped up the most was how ugly they thought he was, pointing out his insecurities and leaving him feeling empty and worthless.</p>
<p>He always tried to ignore them, focusing on the more positive observations instead. Nevertheless, it was just one moment that caused him to spiral. At school, he overheard his classmates saying “it’s a shame that Bang Yedam is so ugly, he could’ve been YG’s monster rookie and a superstar.” </p>
<p>He always knew there were people who felt that, but hearing it out loud left an unbearable stinging sensation in his chest, making it harder to breathe. It would ring in his head during his most vulnerable moment, leaving a wound deeper than any other.</p>
<p>He couldn’t change his nose or eyes or whatever the ‘fans’ didn’t like without getting plastic surgery, which would lead to even more hate. The one thing he could change that could make him beautiful or even just welcomed, was his weight.</p>
<p>So that was exactly what he did. </p>
<p>Standing on the scale and seeing how his weight decreased from the last time he stood there created an euphoria within him that only lasted for a moment, before he would think that it’s not good enough, that he needs to lose more. It would never be good enough. </p>
<p>He would never be good enough.</p>
<p>No matter how talented, how thin, how athletic or how smart, he would never be good enough. But Yedam continued to try, to please everyone, to become better.</p>
<p>He knew it was pointless, he knew he was just playing a game against his mind that he was destined to fail. He had to live and continue though, he couldn’t let his fans, or his members down.</p>
<p>Junkyu was right in front of the bathroom door when he opened it. Yedam would have been surprised, but he expected it.</p>
<p>“What do you even do in there?” Junkyu asked, looking at Yedam with suspicion.</p>
<p>“Let’s just go to sleep.”</p>
<p>He immediately crumbled on his bed, groaning with relief as he felt the tension melt off of his body. Junkyu followed soon after, laying down on his bed, but propping himself up with his elbows to stare at Yedam. Their beds were on opposite sides of the room, with a desk at the end. Yedam ignored the eyes boring into his skull and instead tried to drift off. Though it took some time, eventually he could feel sleep tugging at his eyes, and finally fell into a peaceful slumber. 　</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yedam awoke to a sharp tugging on his left arm. He groaned in defiance, rolling to the opposite side of the bed. Why couldn’t he just sleep in for one day of his life? Forget about all the responsibilities and burdens and just sleep? Regardless of his not-so-happy inner thoughts, he still begrudgingly opened one eye slightly to see what his intruder wanted.</p>
<p>“The manager wants to talk to you,” Junkyu said, completely stoic and void of emotion.</p>
<p>Yedam shot up, with the events of last night rushing into his mind. With everything that transpired, he completely forgot about his manager and what she would have to say. He was almost hoping Junkyu wouldn’t end up telling her, but he knew it was rather unlikely considering how mad Junkyu was.</p>
<p>“Ok I got it. I’ll be out soon.” </p>
<p>He changed and walked out of their room to the living room, only to find a very livid manager with some equally livid members all sitting on the couch facing him. The air was thick, and Yedam felt as if he was suffocating.</p>
<p>Guilt washed over him in waves as he stared at his members and his manager.</p>
<p>“Yedam. Sit down please.”</p>
<p>Yedam hesitated, thinking about the consequences if he just decided to bolt out the front door. Eventually he slowly and solemnly sat down, with everyone watching his every move.</p>
<p>“Junkyu texted me the situation last night. I’m extremely disappointed in you. I thought you were more mature than that.” The manager said, looking very exasperated.</p>
<p>Yedam wanted to scream at her, to scream at everyone. Why was he expected to be perfect? He was still a kid, why couldn’t he make mistakes? Why? He wasn’t doing drugs, he just went out to work. Isn’t that being mature? Working because you wanted to be productive?</p>
<p>“I expected more from you.” </p>
<p>With that Yedam burst out crying. That phrase was something so generic, something their managers or dance, vocal, or language teachers said so frequently when they didn’t meet their expectations. It was repeated over and over, yet it was something Yedam always hated to hear. Especially when it was directed specifically at him. The members all stared at him with a seemingly stoic expression, but one could see the cracks of worry seeping past their facade. The manager was the only one who looked very unamused, sighing while turning away from him.</p>
<p>“I asked the staff to look through security footage just to confirm it, and found out you’ve been doing this for several months. I’m surprised you were able to sneak out for that long. I will be contacting the boss and letting him decide what will happen.”</p>
<p>Yedam nodded weakly, and focused on a chip in their wood floor until he heard the door click, signalling the manager had left. He knew the rules, knew they had to report to their manager whenever they did something as simple as going out to get groceries.Yedam had been ignoring the number one rule that their manager always reminded and re enforced on them, meaning he was going to receive a pretty harsh punishment. </p>
<p>“Yedam,” Hyunsuk started softly, “why did you decide that doing that was a good idea?”</p>
<p>“I just wanted to work more.” Yedam croaked, getting tissues to wipe his face.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>Yedam shrugged, doing a tentative glance towards his members. “I feel more satisfied I guess.”</p>
<p>Every time he stepped in that studio, danced until he couldn’t breathe, lost weight or handed in a hard assignment, he felt as if he was one step closer to perfection. One step closer to debuting. He had to work hard for his parents, for his fans and for his members.</p>
<p>The room grew silent with discomfort. Yedam took that as a signal to retreat back to his room, getting up and carefully backing away. He heard hushed murmurs as he shut his door, but paid them no mind as he flopped back on his bed. Because he was 3 years shy of being an adult, even if he reported that he was to go work in the studio at 3:00 am, his manager would probably force him not to go. Since Hanbin was an adult he didn’t have to sneak out, though Yedam is sure that before he turned of age he snuck out many times, which was probably the reason why the older never gave him away.</p>
<p>It suddenly dawned on him, all of this happened because he was an inconvenience, because he wasn’t perfect enough. Of course it was expected of him to act like an adult and to think using a level head. It was his fault that he didn’t, and now his members and manager would have to deal with all the side effects of his consequence, like having less freedom. Something they already never had.</p>
<p>
  <em> It’s all my fault.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It’s all my fault. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s all my fault. </em>
</p>
<p>He was going to be the cause of the group's suffering. He was going to be the cause of the group's downfall. He was just going to be a burden, and undeservingly got put into the group.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s all my fault.</em>
</p>
<p>Yedam could feel his heartbeat quicken, feel his breath become shallow. Everything was too hot but too cold, and he felt as if his mind was racing but also in stasis. Everything around him became a blur as he collapsed on the ground, now breathing heavily. He also felt tears streaming down his face, but promptly tried to ignore everything in favour of trying to get his lungs to expand and contract at a rate that didn’t make his body feel like jello.</p>
<p>He stayed on the ground for what could’ve been 5 minutes or 5 hours, getting up only when he felt he could breathe properly and wouldn’t collapse the very next second.</p>
<p>Doyoung burst into his room soon after, viewing the state of Yedam and immediately attempting to probe him.</p>
<p>“Hyung? Oh my god are you okay? What happened? Do you need something? And I swear if you try to tell me—“</p>
<p>“I’m fine Doyoung.”</p>
<p>“No you’re not!” Doyoung yelled, staring at Yedam with his eyebrows knitted and his eyes wide open.</p>
<p>Yedam’s silence seemed to infuriate him even more, but he tried to take long breaths to calm himself. The older really did not want to cry again, but he could feel tears welling up at his eyes as he desperately tried to blink them away. In all his years of knowing him, Yedam had never heard Doyoung raise his voice. </p>
<p>Doyoung backed away, with a look of shame and sympathy painted on his face. “Please let us help you. You don’t need to go through things alone.”</p>
<p>Yedam hinted at a smile. “I’ve just been stressed recently. Nothing too serious.”</p>
<p>Doyoung sighed, and stared at him as if he could see right through him. They had a staring contest for a while longer until Asahi walked into the room.</p>
<p>“We’re heading out to go to the company in a hour. Make sure to eat something.” Asahi said, eyes scanning over Yedam’s thin frame.</p>
<p>“Yes hyung!” Doyoung called after him as he walked out. </p>
<p>Doyoung turned to him. “You heard him. Let’s eat.”</p>
<p>The day passed by like any other, except Yedam made sure to keep quiet, to not disturb anyone unnecessarily. He kept reminding himself of just how much a burden he was, and how he didn’t deserve anything.</p>
<p>That’s how he ended up locked in his room while everyone was together eating and playing. He found himself engrossed in searching up popular idol diets and writing them down in his notebook, while staring at himself in the mirror.</p>
<p>Somebody burst into his room <em>(again? for the millionth time, can they learn to knock?)</em> but he was too busy slamming his notebook and computer shut to check who it was.</p>
<p>“Everyone is worried about you,” the voice that was unmistakable Hyunsuk said.</p>
<p>Yedam turned to face him, trying to act nonchalant. “What for? I was just binging movies. I can come out now though.”</p>
<p>Yedam tried to hide it, but he knew Hyunsuk was very perceptive and could probably see right through him. Yedam also happened to be a very bad liar when caught guilty.</p>
<p>“Really? What movies?” Hyunsuk asked, a small smirk tugging at his lips</p>
<p>“Disney movies.”</p>
<p>“Really? Let me see!” Hyunsuk exclaimed with fake enthusiasm.</p>
<p>It’s his tone that made Yedam’s blood run cold. That tone never meant good for people on the receiving end of it.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You heard me! Why can’t I watch with you?” Hyunsuk said while inching closer to Yedam.</p>
<p>“Hyung...”</p>
<p>Though Hyunsuk was shorter than Yedam, he was very feisty and liked to use all of Yedam’s physical weaknesses against him. Yedam knew that he was no match for him. Within minutes he was pinned underneath Hyunsuk with his computer and notebook opened to what he was last doing.</p>
<p>“Yedam... please tell me this isn’t what I think it is,” Hyunsuk whispered carefully.</p>
<p>“It’s not! I was just... um—“</p>
<p>“It’s not very wise to lie while you’re stuck underneath me. I’m not an idiot but clearly you are. Don’t tell me you were thinking of doing these extreme diets? You’ll kill yourself!”</p>
<p>Yedam did an internal sigh of relief. Hyunsuk didn’t seem to realize that he had already been doing these diets for some time now.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry I was just curious. I won’t do them.” Yedam said, putting on his biggest smile</p>
<p>Hyunsuk glared back. “You better not. If you do then I’ll kill you myself!” </p>
<p>After getting off of him, Hyunsuk wrapped him in a hug. “Don’t worry about what others think of you. You are so, so beautiful and so, so talented.”</p>
<p>Though his words were definitely comforting, they had little effect on Yedam’s self esteem. It was like when a parent compliments their child, Yedam knew that he was just saying nice things for the sole purpose of making him feel better. Regardless, he still thanked Hyunsuk and tried to showcase more sincerity to mask his inner thoughts.</p>
<p>Hyunsuk dragged him out of his room to get him to finally interact with the members. He felt himself fall back to how he would usually act, being more clingy and mentally present, if not only to get his members to stop questioning and worrying about every single thing he did.</p>
<p>Yedam was glad to see that his facade seemed to be working, as the younger members exclaimed how they we’re glad that he was finally okay again, and some of the older members would sneak him a smile or pat his back. </p>
<p>They all decided to watch a movie, and everyone squished onto the tiny couch and the others had to stay on the cold hardwood floor. It was made up with blankets, and their own special bowl of popcorn. Yedam decided to sit on the floor next to Doyoung, vaguely registering Doyoung teasing him about how he would probably cry, and giving the best laugh that he could back. They all talked and laughed, as if nothing was wrong, as if there was still a light, as if there was still hope to debut.</p>
<p>Even the warmth they omitted couldn’t pass onto him, as if he was surrounded by shadows and was unable to touch the light. At least the members still had light, still weren’t completely engulfed in shadows that they may not emerge from. Though Yedam was sure they were slightly discouraged and maybe a bit sad, those emotions only made their appearances rarely. They were still so hopeful, still so innocent, so ignorant. But as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss, and Yedam was happy that they were happy.</p>
<p>But suddenly he felt something creeping inside of him, something taking place within his body, clashing and clawing its way to his mind, something that was so foreign and nauseating that it made his gut churn. It gave him the urge to scream at everyone, to blame everyone and to hide away forever. He could somewhat tell what this emotion was, it seemed like a mix of jealousy and anger. Jealous of his members' happiness, jealous of their ability to shine so brightly though their lives were falling apart.</p>
<p>He glanced out the window and noticed the clouds. It was hard to see them, hard to see anything really as the moon was high in the sky and the building lights barely illuminated the night. But he noticed how the clouds were blocking the stars, how the buildings and street lamps had to fight off the darkness without the support of the beautiful gas balls that people would gaze up at and admire. The clouds were blocking the beauty of the night, making the sky just look dull and lifeless. </p>
<p>This thought made him sick.</p>
<p>He was always like the clouds.</p>
<p>He blocked the members' happiness, from shining to their full extent. He was a dead weight pulling them down, too stuck in his own head as he kept on making mistakes, kept on bringing their moods down as they watched him grow more miserable. He would never be like them, never be a star. He would always be like the clouds, full of flaws and imperfections.</p>
<p>But he wanted to be a star, wanted to be brimming with happiness and life that their fans could feed off of, wanted to be more than just a quiet boy who strived for perfection.</p>
<p>He was jealous, because he would never be a star, never be handsome enough or talented enough to shine amongst his members.</p>
<p>He would always be a burden.</p>
<p>And he was jealous.</p>
<p>“Yedam hyung?” Doyoung snapped him out of his thoughts, “Are you crying already? We haven’t even gotten to the sad part!”</p>
<p>He didn’t realize it before, but could now feel the wetness of his cheeks. He quickly scrubbed them away and forced not just his face, but his whole body and demeanour into a convincing lie. Because he had already watched the movie, he was aware of the plot. “They’re happy tears! I can’t believe Hiccup found his mother!”</p>
<p>Doyoung let out a laugh. Yedam realized the laugh wasn’t like his usual laugh, but instead had a touch of something else he couldn’t decipher.“You’re such a baby.”</p>
<p>Yedam turned away from Doyoung with a carefully crafted smile as he forced all his attention to the movie, laughing and crying at the appropriate parts. He even commented on certain parts <em>(Toothless is so cute!)</em> just to make himself seem more mentally present and stable. </p>
<p>After the movie was done, everyone had already fallen asleep in their respective spots. Yedam had his eyes barely open, while Doyoung was tracing the features of his face. It reminded Yedam of when they were younger and would lie together in the practice room, feeding off of each other’s energy after practicing for hours.</p>
<p>“You’re so amazing,” Doyoung whispered into Yedam’s ear, making goosebumps erupt all over his body, “I wish you could see that.”</p>
<p>Yedam’s eyes narrowed into crescents as he broke out into what he hoped was a comforting smile. “Don’t worry about me Dobby.”</p>
<p>It was almost funny how ignorant Doyoung was. He clearly didn’t see the comments that fans would leave, or the whispers of producers that didn’t particularly like Yedam. Yedam wondered what his life would be like if he was as ignorant and innocent like his members.</p>
<p>“I’m not worried, I know how strong you are. I just hope that you share all of your concerns with us instead of bottling it up.”</p>
<p>Yedam grimaced internally and hoped he covered it up with a smile. “Of course. I mean we’re a team right? I’ll always talk to you.”</p>
<p>The words felt metallic on his mouth. Yedam could feel something emerge along with the jealousy, something that felt a lot like guilt.</p>
<p>Doyoung nodded off soon after, but Yedam stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and listening to the soft breaths of his members. Sleep had always felt like a luxury, a reward that you got after working hard for the day. Yedam felt as if he didn’t deserve this luxury anymore, he still had so much to improve and work on. Despite this thought, he could feel himself slowly losing consciousness, and let himself succumb to the blackness behind his eyelids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He awoke to a sharp pain in his back and the insistent calling of his name. Rising from his place on the floor, and rubbing bits of sleep away from his eyes, he realized he was the last member to be awakened. He found himself again staring up at Junkyu who was the one producing the irritating sounds that woke him up. </p>
<p>“Yedam! Finally! The boss got back to our manager with your punishment.”</p>
<p>“Hmm?” Yedam groggily responded.</p>
<p>“You have to go to therapy! It’s the person that works here and that I’ve been seeing. She’s really nice and funny. I'm sure you’ll like her! And it’s great because it’s not really a punishment, like I mean it could’ve been worse, they could’ve taken away your phone or made us have a male manager that would stay with us in the dorm or—“</p>
<p>“Junkyu he literally just woke up I doubt he’s listening to you at all,” Haruto murmured from somewhere above Yedam.</p>
<p>Haruto was right, he wasn’t really listening to Junkyu, but he picked up on the important parts of his rambling. Therapy was something they were all supposed to go to, but Yedam absolutely hated the idea of spilling all of his darkest secrets to some stranger. He would give very little information or lie about his life, leading the therapist to conclude that he didn’t need it and that the time should be used for more stressed out trainees. </p>
<p>It was certainly bad news that he had to go back, he absolutely hated the white walls and the suffocating air that would surround him. Alas, a punishment is a punishment and he would not be complaining about it.</p>
<p>“Hmm yeah I guess it’s ok.” Yedam said while slowly standing up from his place on the floor.</p>
<p>“Okay guys we have 30 minutes to get to the company, anyone who needs to shower, shower now!”</p>
<p>Yedam jumped up from his place on the floor and ran into the bathroom. He first made sure to weigh himself, and set an ideal weight he wanted to reach by the end of the week. He turned on the shower and let it heat up before jumping in it. The heat made him feel relaxed but dizzy at the same time, and he quickly rushed out when he heard Hyunsuk yelling for him.</p>
<p>The practice room that held so many precious memories now began to make his head hurt whenever he stepped into it. He let his gaze wander and he wondered when practicing started to feel so demanding. When he started to judge every little aspect of himself. When had he stopped fighting the voices in his head that whispered his insecurities like a mantra? When did he lose his childhood completely in order to obtain some skewered view of perfection?</p>
<p>“Yedam! Seriously again? Focus for god’s sake you’ve trained here the longest, there should be no excuse!” The dance teacher shouted, eyebrows knitted together and eyes blown wide, almost comically. </p>
<p>It’s then that Yedam realized he had messed up by doing the wrong movement. He had been daydreaming by looking out at the grey clouds that he once loved so much but now began to despise. He quickly bowed and apologized, trying to calm the looks of dejection from his members by assuring he was just daydreaming and he would make sure to pay attention.</p>
<p>“Okay whatever let’s get back to it,” the dance teacher grumbled. They danced, then sang, then worked out, then danced again until their feet felt as if they were bleeding and their hearts would jump right out of their chests.</p>
<p>“Let’s order pizza to the dorms!” Yoshinori shouted right after their dance teacher dismissed them for the day. It was followed by shouts of joy.</p>
<p>Everyone started exiting, except for (you guessed it) Yedam. The ruckus was interrupted by their manager asking him what he was doing.</p>
<p>“I messed up a lot today so I think I’ll practice more and then go home and study. I’ll call my dad so there’s no need to worry about me,” was the response that he gave, though it dawned on him later that he’d always said something along those lines, but it never eased his members' complaints.</p>
<p>“Okay I’m staying too then,” Yedam whipped around when he heard Doyoung’s voice, already ready to shoo him off. </p>
<p>But Doyoung stood tall and defiant, combating Yedam’s steely gaze with one of his own. “I’ll stay with you until you go home, we can practice and study together.”</p>
<p>Before Yedam could argue, Jihoon loudly clapped his hands together. “Okay! I know there’s no way in hell we can convince either of you two stubborn idiots otherwise, so please don’t stay for too long. Oh and Doyoung, —please take care of Yedam,” he winked.</p>
<p>Yedam’s face immediately warmed. “I’m older! I’m the one who’ll be taking care of him!”</p>
<p>Doyoung smiled and nodded as the rest of them shuffled out. He then turned to Yedam, only to find the older already glaring at him.</p>
<p>“You don’t need to stay if all you're going to do is worry about me. I'm practically an adult. I can take care of myself,” Yedam huffed, walking over to turn on the music.</p>
<p>“Why don’t we just go home, we both know that you know the choreo perfectly fine, the only thing that’s making you mess up is whatever is going on with you,” Doyoung sighed, using the same tone he would use when he didn’t want to show his annoyance.</p>
<p>“You can go if you don’t want to practice.”</p>
<p>“I’m literally watching you tear yourself apart. I promise you that I’m here for you and I’ll listen to you. It’s just so frustrating that I can’t do anything,” The desperation was evident in Doyoung’s voice, and Yedam was tempted to run into his arms and tell him everything that had been bothering him. Doyoung always understood him, and truly was a star that brought light into his life.</p>
<p>But telling him would be selfish.</p>
<p>“Doyoung please just go,” Yedam repeated, trying his best to not let any weakness show in his voice as it rang through the practice room. Doyoung stayed silent for a moment, and Yedam thought he would finally give up and leave.</p>
<p>But Jihoon was right when he said that they were both very stubborn.</p>
<p>“Have you realized how annoying you’re being?” Doyoung asked, making Yedam stop in his tracks and turn towards him.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?”</p>
<p>“You’re acting like such a fucking child! Everything is becoming so repetitive and you keep lying to all of us! Lying to me! I noticed the way that you stare at yourself, the way you barely eat with us. Maybe if you stopped being such a fucking idiot then you would realize how annoying you’re being,” Doyoung screamed, looking at Yedam with a blaze in his eyes that only grew with each passing second.</p>
<p>“Well I’m sorry but I didn’t realize the world revolved around you! Maybe this is my way of coping, maybe I don’t want to talk to you. Have you thought about that?”</p>
<p>Doyoung’s level of fury at that moment was one unmatched to even the scariest of teachers. “I’m trying to help you! You’re the one being selfish, by keeping everything to yourself. You’re just making everyone even more worried and scared than we already are!”</p>
<p>Yedam felt a shock run through his body, his mind crying out in despair. He really was bringing down all the members, he really was blocking their happiness, being a deadweight.</p>
<p>He really was like the clouds.</p>
<p>“I think you should leave,” Yedam said as calmly and quietly as he could, hoping Doyoung didn’t pick up on the shakiness in his voice. </p>
<p>“No. I’m not leaving until you learn to grow up.”</p>
<p>“Fine then I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. Please.” Yedam’s voice cracked slightly as he started walking out of the room.</p>
<p>“You’re running away again!” Was the last thing he heard before he started sprinting.</p>
<p>Running was something Yedam was particularly good at, but as his lungs burned and his head spun, running proved to be a difficult feat. The image of Doyoung’s face filled with what seemed like hatred is what forced him to keep running, forced him to burst through his parents house and not stop until he was hidden under his blankets in a cocoon which brought warmth that brought back memories of his early childhood.</p>
<p>He thought about Doyoung, thought about letting his members down, and everything in between. It started to dawn on him that maybe Doyoung didn’t really care if he was doing okay. Was the sole reason for helping Yedam only having to do with the fact that he was ruining other people’s moods?</p>
<p>It was until he was sure no one was around did he let his tears fall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Counting calories became a daily occurrence. Yedam felt a sense of pride looking at what he ate in a day, it was the one time he was truly in control. He welcomed the consistent pain in his stomach, because though his stomach was begging him to eat, his mind noted this as a sign he was doing well. He would be beautiful.</p>
<p>The pain also kept him grounded, made him feel alive as his body and mind slowly rotted away. </p>
<p>It had been two weeks since his fight with Doyoung, and two weeks since he stopped talking to all of his members. Of course there had been attempts, but Yedam brushed them off every single time. They were either too scared or too unwilling to pry further.</p>
<p>Yedam figured distancing himself completely would get them to eventually stop worrying about him.</p>
<p>They would eventually give up on him.</p>
<p>Moving back in with his parents was surprisingly not questioned by the company or his parents themselves too much. He figured it was because the company he had been training in for seven years was falling apart and he could do nothing but sit and watch.</p>
<p>They probably pitied him. </p>
<p>Nevertheless, in the end he got what he wanted. The therapy sessions were laughable, Yedam barely talked and no one forced or probed him otherwise. He figured that the therapist was underpaid and tired, and she obviously didn’t care about if she was doing her job correctly.</p>
<p>As he followed the laughter and noise of his members to their practice room he realized that he was swaying just slightly and his vision was blurred. He leaned against the wall waiting for it to pass as staff members walked by him worriedly. Eventually he stood up and continued walking, as he often felt dizzy but always held through for the length of practice.</p>
<p>How he did it? He had no idea. Probably a mix of determination, adrenaline and stubbornness.</p>
<p>Begrudgingly, he dragged himself right beside the practice room door, pausing to steady himself while leaning against the wall. Inside, he heard Doyoung’s ever so melodic but cold voice carry over into the hall</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Doyoung said. Yedam knew that whatever he was apologizing for, he didn’t sincerely mean it.</p>
<p>“I told you to take care of him, not argue with him and make him push us away even more!” A voice that was unmistakably Jihoon’s yelled. </p>
<p>There was a beat of silence. Yedam considered poking his head inside but then he heard Doyoung’s voice, this time quiet and timid, speak up.</p>
<p>“I-I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t planning on arguing, but I'm so frustrated! And hurt! I don’t know what to do,” Doyoung sounded to be on the brink of tears. A pang of guilt shot through Yedam, bringing along with it the empty promises of a now broken friendship. Yedam rose from his position, and made his way inside to spare himself of any more sorrow.</p>
<p>As he opened the door he immediately wanted to run out. The noise died down and he felt as if all eyes were on him, whether they were subtly glancing or full on staring. Doyoung turned away completely, presumably to hide his teary eyes. The tension was so thick and uncomfortable and everyone could feel it.</p>
<p>Thankfully, the dance instructor chose that moment to walk in, as suddenly everyone acted like everything was ok. Yedam doubted he would care too much anyways, dismissing it as stupid teenage drama.</p>
<p>The pounding of his head and pain in his stomach stayed constant, all thanks to late night studying and nothing but some almonds and ice for breakfast. Still, Yedam felt a thrill of excitement for reasons he couldn’t really comprehend. He guessed it was because he had lived on a strict schedule since he was 11, and this felt like a rebellion of some sort.</p>
<p>It felt like freedom.</p>
<p>But adrenaline could only hold him up for so long.</p>
<p>First there was a ringing in his ears. It made it harder to hear the teacher, and overall left Yedam feeling disconnected from reality. Then it was the blurriness that washed over his vision, but this time it was persistent and unwavering. The pain in his head and stomach returned in full force, determined to fight against his consciousness. His legs gave away, forcing him to sink to the ground, while the world around him was slowly swallowed by darkness. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yedam was awoken by a loud clap of thunder. It was the worst way to wake up, in his opinion. Even being woken up by his ever so persistent members or worried parents was better. Because as soon as he was woken up, he was scared and confused.</p>
<p>The thunder had scared him, and forced him awake. But, his confusion came from the unfamiliarity of the place around him. </p>
<p>The room he was in was completely engulfed in white, and as he looked at himself he realized a tube of some sort was in his arm. It became very apparent that the rock like thing he was sitting on was actually a mattress. </p>
<p>He was in a hospital. His room was so bland and dreary, and the greyness of the clouds only added to that. It was like a slap in the face... just looking at the clouds made him feel sick. The hospital gown he was in somehow made him feel like a child, but not in a good or heartwarming way. He felt like he was about to be scolded and told he was stupid.</p>
<p>He wondered if his members would ever talk to him again.</p>
<p>He had lied to them. Several times. He had broken the trust of his members, of his parents, of everyone who was counting on him.</p>
<p>Everyone who was expecting only the best from him. </p>
<p>He was a failure.</p>
<p>While Yedam was wallowing in the darkest depths of his mind, a nurse apparently thought that would be the best time to barge into his room, much to his despair.</p>
<p>He didn’t exactly feel like seeing anyone right now but he supposed it was better than his members or parents.</p>
<p>“Oh hi you’re awake! You might not really remember but you fainted, and it was due to exhaustion, and lack of nutrition. You will be staying here for a while, until you regain—“</p>
<p>Yedam tuned the nurse out, instead focusing in on the words they last said. He would have to stay here for an indefinite amount of time, probably while he would be able to feel his soul rotting away. Not to mention that he couldn’t stay for long, he had to debut! He had so many things to work on, and being here felt so wrong. </p>
<p>What if they dropped him?</p>
<p>What if this was the last straw?</p>
<p>What if... he would never debut?</p>
<p>“— And that’s all! If you have any questions please feel free to ask me or any of the other nurses,” they said, flashing Yedam a beaming smile that he just couldn’t find it in himself to return.</p>
<p>The thing in his arm was uncomfortable. He wanted to ask the nurse to take it away, or to ask what it was, but he realized they probably talked about that while he was zoning out.</p>
<p><em> Fuck.</em> He should’ve listened to the nurse. He couldn’t even do simple things right. </p>
<p>Yedam was staring aimlessly at the wall, thinking about if training for the entirety of his childhood was all about to become a waste, the late night practices, the harsh teachers, the monthly evaluations. Was everything pointless?</p>
<p>He refused to believe it. That would mean his life was meaningless. What other identity did he have, what else made him special? Because the identity that everyone knew and loved was Bang Yedam of YG, who was a multitalented prodigy, who was constantly improving and impressing the likes of many.</p>
<p>Not many saw Yedam, who grew up a little too early, who made mistakes, and who wasn’t perfect. Not even close.</p>
<p>Not many saw Yedam, who was much like the clouds. Too much for his liking. </p>
<p>But despite all the pain being a trainee brought, YG was his home and childhood. He was devastated to think about the prospect of never debuting. He tried to think of something else, anything else, to get his mind off of it.</p>
<p>But he kept falling back into the trap of darkness; kept submerging into the water with no chance to breathe, especially when that was all he wanted to do. The air felt too thin, yet as if it was weighing down on him. It was too much</p>
<p>Everything was becoming too much.</p>
<p>Just as he started to submerge deeper, The door timidly slid open, revealing a dishevelled Doyoung.</p>
<p>Awkwardness overtook the room, with Doyoung edging towards Yedam as if he was a scared, wounded animal that would pounce at any given moment.</p>
<p>Doyoung looked hesitant, as he kept opening then closing his mouth. Trying to say something, yet the words were stuck on his tongue unable to move further with the fear of saying the wrong thing. Yedam decided to spare him the trouble and spoke first.</p>
<p>“I can tell you want to say something. Cmon, spit it out, I'm waiting,” Yedam said, a bit softer than how he had intended. He wanted to stay mad at Doyoung, but how could he when the younger looked so broken, so scared, so guilty?</p>
<p>Doyoung started to say something but then instead chose to focus his attention on the window, glancing outside as if it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. “It’s beautiful outside today.”</p>
<p>A beat.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I said it’s beaut—“</p>
<p>“I heard you just fine, but what about outside is beautiful? It looks so cold and miserable, and since when did you like rain?”</p>
<p>“Since forever. Rain is so calming to listen to and so fun to play with. Plus it’s vital for all the plants to grow!” Doyoung exclaimed rather enthusiastically.</p>
<p>The older was bewildered.</p>
<p>“Oh and I also think the clouds are pretty too.”</p>
<p>Yedam stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.</p>
<p>Doyoung chuckled and continued, “What? They are really pretty, look at them! They add so much depth to the sky, and grey clouds especially look like they’re straight out of a movie. I feel almost powerful when I look at them, they’re gorgeous.”</p>
<p>Doyoung was admiring the clouds, unaware of the tears streaking down Yedam’s face until he turned to look at him. “Oh my god why are you crying? I didn’t even apologize yet!”</p>
<p>Doyoung rushed over to Yedam, with endless apologies falling out of his mouth. He only stopped fussing when Yedam giggled slightly. “You don’t have to apologize for this, it's just... it’s complicated.”</p>
<p>Something that looked like relief and fondness washed over Doyoung’s face. “So tell me, hyung. I have all the time in the world and I'll use it all to listen to you.”</p>
<p>Yedam laughed, secretly trying to hide the violent blush that appeared on his cheeks. “Don’t be cheesy!”</p>
<p>Doyoung laughed along with him, then quieted down to wait for Yedam’s response. Yedam was formulating his thoughts, thinking of ways to adorn it before deciding to share everything, figuring it was the least he could do for him. </p>
<p>Doyoung listened patiently, never interrupting though there were moments he looked like he wanted to. At the end of it both Yedam and Doyoung were softly crying as they stared into each other’s eyes.</p>
<p>Yedam begins to speak but Doyoung beats him to it. “You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Everything about you, from your crescent eyes to your pretty mole to your heart-like smile. Anyone who fails to see that is jealous of how talented you are, and are trying their hardest to pick you apart.”</p>
<p>Yedam tried to smile. “Thank you but—“</p>
<p>“I’m not finished! I know you won’t start automatically loving yourself right away, it’ll take time, and I’ll be right there by your side for all of it. Don’t let others control the way you live, haters are going to hate no matter what you do to yourself, no matter how you change yourself. They’ll always find something else and use it to destroy you. Like I said before, at the end of the day it’s for an ulterior motive like jealousy,” Doyoung spoke softly. </p>
<p>“And, you don’t have to be perfect. You’re human! I know everyone has high expectations but you’ll never be perfect. Your flaws are what makes you even more beautiful though. Sometimes our dance teacher and members may hold high expectations, but just talk to him like you did to me so we can prevent putting you in this much stress.”</p>
<p>“Also you are a vital part of our group. You’re our main vocalist, and you set an example to help all the members improve. You’re so funny yet have such a calming presence and are in no way bringing the members down. I’m sorry I lashed out at you but I was just worried about you.” </p>
<p>“Please never feel like it’s selfish to talk to us. It will never be selfish, no matter what situation, to seek condolences from those around you. Like I said, you’re human and you’re surrounded by people that may be suffering but love you and want the best for you nonetheless,” Doyoung finished off smoothly.</p>
<p>Yedam took a moment to digest his words. Doyoung could be cheesy, but this was the first time Yedam had heard anyone speaking to him so enticingly while looking so sincere. Doyoung was almost panting from how much he was talking, but he still gazed at Yedam as if he was the one who hung all the stars in the sky, even if he was just one grey cloud.</p>
<p>It was true, he was human. He couldn’t be perfect no matter how much he desperately wanted to be. Hearing Doyoung confront and slash away all of his worries was soothing but Yedam realized he needed time more than anything. Time to grow and realize Doyoung’s words fully.</p>
<p>“But what if I can’t?” Yedam pondered, thinking out loud.</p>
<p>“What if you can’t what?”</p>
<p>“What if I can’t, I don’t know, what if I can’t do this.”</p>
<p>Doyoung doesn’t respond, and instead gestures at Yedam to elaborate.</p>
<p>Yedam takes a breath “I just, I don’t know if I can ever change my mindset. It’s a part of our job to be perfect, and I am nowhere near perfect. I want to keep trying, I want to be skinnier and prettier and smarter and more energetic. I want to be a perfect idol figure. And I’ve been wanting this since I was like 11 years old. What if I’ll never change?”</p>
<p>Doyoung’s eyes soften. “Hyung, I know it’ll take time, but everyone will be right here to support you. Our job may be quite demanding, but you already exceed beyond what is expected of an idol. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you. You’ve worked so hard and you’re so talented and such an amazing person too. You may not be perfect but that’s what makes you even more likeable. That’s what makes you, you and I never want that to change. It will be difficult but as long as you promise to try and change, to try and love yourself then we’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>“I love you. You’re beautiful. So beautiful. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” </p>
<p>Doyoung’s voice was shaking with pure fondness and it made Yedam burst out crying once again. Yedam ended up in Doyoung’s warm embrace, as he whispered everything he loved about Yedam so softly that it tickled his ear.</p>
<p>“Woah my innocent eyes did not need to see that!”</p>
<p>“Stop being dramatic, they're just hugging idiot.”</p>
<p>The rest of the members filled into the room looking a bit wary at first, but relaxing once seeing the state Doyoung and Yedam were in.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Hyunsuk spoke up, gazed locked on the floor.</p>
<p>Yedam was left speechless. What could he possibly be sorry for? </p>
<p>“You have no reason to be sorry. I should be the one apologizing.”</p>
<p>Hyunsuk snapped his head up. “No. I didn’t help you even though I knew something was wrong. I chose to ignore it hoping you would overcome it to avoid any conflict, when in reality I was just causing more. I could’ve helped.”</p>
<p>His voice was trembling. Yedam felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.</p>
<p>“Please don’t apologize, none of this is anyone’s fault but mine.”</p>
<p>Doyoung harshly cut in. “That’s not true.” </p>
<p>There was silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Yedam looked over to Doyoung, and he passionately returned Yedam’s gaze.</p>
<p>“This isn’t anyone’s fault. You are not at fault for being a human being, and all the stress and everything around you is what caused this and you’re not invincible. Don’t say that again, it makes me mad.”</p>
<p>Yedam giggled at his tone. “Okay I’m sorry I won’t say that.”</p>
<p>The older turned to face the rest of his members and was surprised to see similar looks on all of their faces. They all gazed at him with small smiles, with fondness and relief washed over their eyes. </p>
<p>“Why do you all look like that.” He questioned, twirling the blanket between his fingers.</p>
<p>Yoshinori looked around then tentatively replied. “It’s just, I don’t think any of us have seen you laugh or smile genuinely in forever.”</p>
<p>It was true, Yedam couldn’t even remember the last time he had smiled, laughed, or really emote any genuine feelings, everything always felt like an act. </p>
<p>As if a dam had been released, Yedam could feel waves of happiness and comfort as he watched his members intently.</p>
<p>
  <em> They care about me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They love me.</em>
</p>
<p>He wasn’t alone. The prospects he held in order to defend himself were truly just creating borders between him and the people he loved.</p>
<p>Now as Yedam gazed up at his members with his heart full of warmth, he was certain he could change his mindset to stop pointlessly suffering. Although their future held so much uncertainty, Yedam was sure they could keep each other balanced on the tightrope of life, as they all walked along the same path.</p>
<p>They would be okay. 　　　　　　　　</p>
<p> </p>
<p>♡</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rain paired well with warm coffees that easily burnt tongues, and playlists full of sad melodies. The members of YG’s newly debuted boy group clearly disagreed, with loud music that rang loudly throughout the dorms and the shouts of several members in response to losing a game.</p>
<p>Yedam held his head against the cold glass of the window, listening to the harsh patter of rain and watching upon his fellow members.</p>
<p>They had all finally done it. Achieved what they had been working towards for almost an entirety of their childhoods. Yedam was left feeling bittersweet as he looked back on what had happened, the stress they all had gone through, and the member they lost along the way.</p>
<p>Regardless, with the surrounding shouts and laughs of the other 11 boys, Yedam could feel somewhat at ease. His memories started to blur together as debut preparations were long and treacherous, and it was only just the beginning. </p>
<p>Moments like this where they were all at pure bliss was something Yedam would not take for granted, as he soaked in the warmth and happiness radiating from the boys.</p>
<p>Grey clouds hung high in the sky, Yedam felt he could finally confide in them and fly amongst them instead of despising them.</p>
<p>He’s come to once again appreciate the beauty within the clouds, but now for different reasons.</p>
<p>“Help me! Haruto is bullying me!” Junghwan screamed, running and hiding in front of Yedam’s small stature, using him as a shield.</p>
<p>Yedam could hear Haruto’s voice behind him. “He deserves it, he ate all of my ice cream!”</p>
<p>Yedam turned around and jokingly pointed his finger at Haruto. “We don’t tolerate bullying in this household.”</p>
<p>So much had changed, including Yedam’s bad habit of keeping everything to himself. He now chose to talk to his members when he felt himself falling, slipping away from reality and landing in a place that was impossible to come out of on his own. </p>
<p>The thoughts that would plague him never left, but he was sure that one day he could learn to truly love himself. He was brought back to reality with Junghwan screaming while being tackled to the ground by Haruto.</p>
<p>“Save me!” was all that was said before Jihoon came over to laugh at them, and Hyunsuk came to stop them before someone got hurt.</p>
<p>After some time, Yedam found himself being squished between Doyoung and the edge of a couch as everyone gathered together to watch a movie.</p>
<p>Everything had changed, everyone had grown. The laughs of his members sounded less forced, less like it was covering up sleepless nights of worrying and crying. </p>
<p>A huge weight had been lifted off all of them, freeing them from their doubts. Yedam could feel the happiness from them dancing in the air, as the atmosphere was welcoming and warm.</p>
<p>He felt safe with Doyoung rubbing his fingers against his knuckles, whispering complaints about the movie despite laughing just as loudly as anyone else.</p>
<p>When Yedam glimpsed outside to see the grey clouds heavily pouring, he smiled. The clouds felt like home, and he was happy to bask in them.</p>
<p>He shifted towards Doyoung. “Can we go outside and run in the rain?”</p>
<p>Doyoung shot his signature charming smile. “Anything for you.”</p>
<p>Yedam pushed him lightly and giggled as they both got up and ran outside after shouting to the others of where they were planning on going.</p>
<p>They both ran down the halls, down the stairs and out of the door in sync. As soon as they got out they were completely drenched, but regardless they ran around and enjoyed the rain while ignoring the questioning glances from people passing them.</p>
<p>Yedam was laughing so loudly, he couldn’t get the smile off of his face. Doyoung mirrored him, and for a moment they stared at each other with nothing but love and glee, letting the rain fall over them endlessly.</p>
<p>“I’m so glad you’re happier now, it’s like you’re glowing.” Doyoung never took his eyes off of Yedam’s, and said it so earnestly that Yedam couldn’t help but choke up.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” was all Yedam managed to get out before he felt warm tears roll down his face in contrast to the cold rain already there. He hoped Doyoung understood what he was thanking him for, and hoped those words encompassed all the gratitude he felt for the younger.</p>
<p>Doyoung held him in his embrace and rocked both of them slightly. They stayed out there until they could feel the wetness seeping through to their bones. </p>
<p>They were both freezing, Yedam felt himself shaking like a leaf despite the warmth Doyoung provided from being squished against him. He pulled back and faced upwards, staring at the sky and watching as the rain became less aggressive and slowed.</p>
<p>It was beautiful. It was like the grey clouds were hung up by a god to provide some sort of relief and depth from the otherwise monochrome sky.</p>
<p>The clouds didn’t cover the beauty of the sky, they just added to it, much like Yedam with his members.</p>
<p>Yedam always knew he was like the clouds, except that thought didn’t want to make him repulse in disgust anymore. He had also come to realize the greyness wasn’t an imperfection of the clouds, it was just another aspect of them. Instead of protecting humans from the humidity of the sun, the grey clouds brought with them rain that fuelled the beings on earth. All forms of the clouds were important, and were needed. </p>
<p>Were wanted.</p>
<p>All aspects of Bang Yedam were wanted, from the child prodigy, to the athletic yet smart boy, to the boy who sung at every given moment, to the boy who cared too much for everyone around him, to the boy who cried and cried, to the boy who worked too hard, to the boy who had flaws and imperfections.</p>
<p>The boy who was like the clouds.</p>
<p>Without even one aspect, it would strip him of his individuality, of what makes Yedam, Yedam.</p>
<p>And with the grey clouds high in the sky and rain pattering down, with Yedam in the embrace of the person he loved the most,</p>
<p>he was sure this was when the world was at its finest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>and that’s it !! hope you enjoyed :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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